I'd like to pray but I can't
Maybe when I see the Son again
The sky is black by the throws of your bows
& they’re all aimed at my vitals.
I'd like to pray but I can't
Maybe when I see the Son again, maybe then.
When will Your love come back to me?
Though I wish that You were not with me.

I dread my past & where it has placed me
I look in the mirror & all I feel is hatred
What did I do to make You hate me so violently?

My free will would choose
to hang You again
For all the pain & hardship
I’ve endured at Your hands

What am I saying?
I’m an ingrate. blasphemous,
& pathetic. So pathetic.
God, leave me I am so
Weak & pathetic.
Unworthy of Your presence.
My past speaks, & it speaks truth
that I’m far too depraved
too bad even to seem good
That I don’t have a future
& much less stand before You.

"Count it all joy
Let it build you up.”
But not this, how can it?
I’ll end my life and
You can't stop it.

O' self you died
Trying to comfort in someone else
My despair is oceans deep,
You were supposed to wash me clean
What happened?

“You’re always preaching to yourself some kind
of gospel. It will be true gospel of the Lord
Jesus Christ that will encourage & comfort your heart,
or it will be some anti-gospel,
a gospel of povery & aloneness
& weakness & doom.”
-Tripp

My heart is faint
My eyes filled with sorrow
I take pills to sleep
& I hold contempt for the morrow

My heart is faint
My eyes drip with sorrow
I drink myself to sleep
& I hold contempt for the morrow.

What happened?
How did I end up like this?
I know you see me & Your eyes are flaming,
& You’re not blinking.

Oh God, You know the truth,
I can barely stand to even look at you
but I have no one else to throw myself into.
Is this the punishment I reap
for fornicating at fifteen?
or is this what I get as payback
for being a selfish & prideful scumbag?
I feel so damn accused, & I can't shake it.
Your wrath burns hot, & I lay empty.
I have scrubbed hard, my hands are bleeding,
all just to grind my stains in deeply.


Do You hold my sins against me?

“See, here’s what religion will tell you:
‘clean it up, scrub it out’
How many of you tried that?
Scrub really hard, to make sure
that you grind the stain in deep.
All you were trying to do was clean yourself up
& all you did was make the stain bigger.”
-Driscoll